Do you ever just sit in the dark and think? Do you watch the ceiling as the shadows dance in the light of the night light or listen when you can hear the the clock tick or the little sounds the house makes when it’s so cold outside…? Sometimes I find my best thinking is done at night when the whole house is quiet and I can just lay my head on the pillow and think….sometimes I replay the days events ,what I would have done different or how I could have been a better parent. Last night as I laid my head down my thoughts were going crazy it was hard to keep on one subject…I talk to myself ….I answer myself….I correct myself…and I shame myself….
I think how in the world can I as a mom, and one I might add that wanted to be a mom since I was 14 or 15 years old(way to young to start for sure) screw up so much. I think every morning I am going to be more relaxed I wont let all the little things get the better of me,the laundry can wait, sometimes the homework can be a video and the sun will still set if we have cereal for lunch( that actually happens more then I care to admit) . But I find myself every night with my head on the same pillow propped by my arms thinking ….what could I have done better.
I think all of us moms want to do the very best we can…sometimes we give ourselves much to much to handle and sometimes we just expect to much from ourselves. So I pray…I leave my talking and thinking and I am still…listening to the one small still voice that reminds me every day and night that I’m okay…I’m doing the best I can, my kids are happy,healthy and loving. All the stars don’t have to line up, the dust bunnies will not kill the person who stops by and love is the greatest gift of all…I can do that …love them with all that I am , and you know what…that is enough!